


Massey and Horpe or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Deep State

by 1949



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, References to Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:02:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1949/pseuds/1949
Summary: When the safety and security of the Seven Kingdoms are threatened, it's up to Stannis' trusty men Massey and Horpe to save the day!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ariel2me](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariel2me/gifts).



> For ariel2me, who's responsible for my love of the idea of Justin Massey and Richard Horpe as Stannis’ overly enthusiastic, rather bumbling, but certain-of-their-own-importance henchmen.

 Justin Massey * Richard Horpe

**Master of Laws**  
Or:  
How  
I Learned  
To  
Stop  
Worrying  
And  
Love  
The  
Deep State

  
“I’m doomed,” Justin Massey declared.  
  
Most of the patrons of  _The_   _Antlers_  rolled their eyes and ignored the blonde knight. The  _Antlers_  was situated at the foot of Aegon’s Hill, and therefore attracted more than its share of courtiers seeking escape from the Red Keep in drunk oblivion. There were no whores, of course – not that any respectable establishment in King’s Landing like  _The Antlers_  would  _ever_ consider doing such a thing under King Stannis’ ever-watchful eye.  
  
Justin’s companion, however, raised his mug. “I was going to toast you on becoming the Master of Laws. If you think aren’t adequate for the job, though…”  
  
“Shut it, Horpe. Have you seen how long the average Master of Laws has lasted under King Stannis?”  
  
“Let me look.” Richard Horpe pulled out The Secret Black Book and plopped in on the table. “Let’s see. Eldon Estermont lasted seven months before resigning. Lucos Chyttering was dismissed after five months. Old Lord Hunter lasted only two months, but he died so he doesn’t count…”  
  
“Jumped out a window, more like it.”  
  
“We started that rumor, remember, Massey?”  
  
“Did we? Oh, I guess you’re right.”  
  
“The things we do for the realm. Well, Hoster Blackwood was Master of Laws for eleven months. He may be the longest. And Randyll Tarly lasted all of one Small Council meeting with Stannis, of course.”  
  
Justin shuddered at the memory of that very violent episode. “Let’s not talk about that one.”  
  
Richard closed the book, leaned back, and sighed. “I agree, Massey, you’re doomed.”  
  
“Well, aren’t you going to do something to help me?” Justin demanded, waving a very large quill. “Just think…if I’m gone in disgrace, then Stannis will no longer have his second most trusted advisor…”  
  
“Third.”  
  
“Don’t flatter yourself, Horpe. Without us  _both_  to advise and help King Stannis, just think of the  _chaos_!“  
  
“Do you have any ideas on what to do then?”  
  
“Have Edmure Tully be kidnapped by bandits and then rescue him?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“But that was what the two of us did the last time there was a crisis…”  
  
Richard waved his hand in front of Justin’s face. “We’ve used that one three times already. And the last time was a disaster.”  
  
“How were we supposed to know that he’d just gotten himself betrothed to one of the daughters of Walder Frey, of all people?” Justin grumbled. “I have another cunning plan…”  
  
“And trying to overthrow the Tyroshi government is right out.”  
  
“Oh,” Justin said with a defeated sigh.  
  
Richard ran a hand across his eyes. “Let’s look at this logically, Massey. Why does the Master of Laws never last long?”  
  
“The position is cursed, that’s why.”  
  
“No, it’s because the Master of Laws can never enforce the law to Stannis’ satisfaction. He always finds some obscure law he isn’t enforcing, or decides that the punishments aren’t proportionate to the crime, or remembers a previous judgment that the Master of Laws is contradicting. Stannis want to be the law, and the poor Master of Laws gets caught in the middle.”  
  
“In short, I’m doomed…unless we can ensure Stannis never notices anything I do.”  
  
“So we make sure the cases never get to King’s Landing and Stannis never sees them.”  
  
“Quite clever. Wait…” Justin’s eyes narrowed. “That would mean  _I_  would have to be away from King’s Landing, while  _you_  were still here…”  
  
Richard snorted. “As if you’d survive. Send out representatives to travel throughout the Seven Kingdoms and judge cases for you. Give them the authority of the Master of Laws and ultimately, of course, of the king, who with his injuries unfortunately cannot travel.”  
  
“We could make it three representatives at a time, so if something goes wrong we can blame two and get the third to back us up,” Justin mused.  
  
“Now we're talking. And best of all, you won’t have to do most of the work the Master of Laws usually does, so we can continue with our work ensuring the safety and security of the Seven Kingdoms…”  
  
“Our indispensable work!” Justin declared, raising his mug.  
  
“As I was saying, so we can continue our indispensable work ensuring the safety and security of the Seven Kingdoms. There’s only one problem.”  
  
“Stannis must not know,” the two said in unison.  
  
“The name can’t make him think it’s related to the law, so lawgivers or something like that is right out,” Justin mused. “And it can’t be too threatening, like justicars or  _judges_.”  
  
“And he can't expect it to be coming from you, either, Massey.”  
  
“I’ve got it!” Justin exclaimed. “NOBODY EXPECTS THE STANNIS INQUISITION!”  
  
>>>  
  
Thus was born the Stannis Inquisition, that terrible instrument of royal power. Its chief weapons were such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Baratheon regime, and silliness that makes for a very pointless oneshot.

>>>

 [The riff on Monty Python that's responsible](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c2/95/11/c29511dde0d24c6388c7c32e22565d38--hbo-game-of-thrones-game-of-thrones-episodes.jpg) 


	2. Chapter 2

 Justin Massey * Richard Horpe

 

 

**Master of Works**  
Or:  
How  
I Learned  
To  
Stop  
Worrying  
And  
Love  
The  
Deep State

 

“Why so glum, Horpe? Not that it’s much of a change from your usual expression, but…”

“Stannis just named me Master of Works.”

Justin raised his mug in salute. “Congratulations. Not that it makes much of a difference, considering all the work we already do!”

Richard’s response was a deeper scowl. “Yes, yes, but think about it. When King Stannis asks what I’ve been doing, how much of that work do you think I can actually tell him about?”

“But all that we do to ensure the safety and stability of the Seven Kingdoms…” Justin trailed off. “You’re right, we can’t tell him about any of that. So it looks like you’re doomed, Richard.”

“And so are you, unless we think of something to show Stannis. And before you have any clever ideas, kidnapping Edmure Tully, overthrowing the Tyroshi government, and starting another Stannis Inquisition are right out.”

“Well, what we need to do is build something very large that will take years to complete, be visible throughout King’s Landing, and keep Stannis’ attention away from our  _really_  indispensable work. I’ve got it! We must build a canal to King’s Landing!”

“Massey, we’re already on the Blackwater Rush.”

“Spoilsport. Well, if we don’t bring the water in below ground, how about above ground?”

“Splendid idea! An aqueduct will be even more visible!”

“Now that’s settled, what can we  _do_  with an aqueduct?”

>>> 

“King Stannis says that he wants to sweep this city clean. How in Seven Hells are we supposed to implement  _that_  one?”

“I sent the Frey Public Works Brigade through Flea Bottom last week,” Richard said glumly. “They swept every single street, and now the streets are all covered in shit again.”

“I’m telling you, it’s hopeless.”

“Do you want to be the one to tell Stannis that?” Richard snapped.

“Heavens, no. The less the king knows, the better. So we need to stop people from dumping their shit in the streets. Why don’t we build sewers then? After that, we sweep the streets, and they stay clean!”

“Ah. Much easier.”

>>> 

“Roads…”

“That goes without saying.”

>>> 

“Try this drink, Horpe.”

Richard peered suspiciously at the mug. “Looks like muddy water to me.”

“Water, mixed with a ground bark called quinine from Sothoryos that I bought from a Naathi merchant, and honey. It’s quite admirable.”

“You would call the contents of a privy admirable, Massey.”

Justin flourished his very large quill and quickly jotted that down. “Was that quote from King Stannis? Never mind, of course it was; we both know you’d never come up with something so clever. It will make a marvelous addition to my new book.  _The Wit and Wisdom of Stannis Baratheon_. How do you like the sound of that, Horpe?”

Richard ignored Justin and raised the mug to his lips. He paused after a swallow, stared at the drink again, and then drank the rest on one long gulp. “This is excellent,” he admitted. “I’ve never had anything like it.”

“And neither has anybody else,” Justin exclaimed, “until now! Just think of the business opportunity this presents. We introduce this drink to the Seven Kingdoms, and profit!”

“But how do we persuade people to actually  _buy_  it?”

“Oh, we can market it as having medicinal qualities or something of the sort.”

>>> 

“Princess Shireen wants…”

“Of course, we’ll build another school for her.”

>>> 

“Why do you think deaths from sickness have fallen so sharply?”

“Haven’t the foggiest, Horpe. Isn’t it a good thing?”

“But how do we keep justifying the funding for the hospitals then?”

>>> 

“What do you mean, we built the aqueduct too large?”

“We built it to supply seven hundred thousand people with fresh water for drinking and cooking.”

“That number is real, right…oh, bugger.”

“Exactly. That’s the number you came up with during the budgeting for the City Watch. And we inflated that number so we could funnel money from the City Watch into that plan of yours to corner the market on fermented crab…”

“Which we did because of the mess you caused by insulting Randyll Tarly, of all people.”

“Which I did to cover for  _you_  botching the Summer Isles groundnut scheme.”

“Well, that scheme was a result of that time you…”

“Never mind that time. The fact is that we now have more water coming through that aqueduct than we can use.”

“Can’t we simply dump it into Blackwater Bay?”

“And what do you think King Stannis will say when he sees our million-dragon aqueduct being used to help float the fleet?”

“Then we have to find another use for the water. Hmm, we use water for drinking, and cooking, and bathing…aha! We build public baths throughout the city! Oh, don’t look so horrified, Horpe. A bath would do you some good.”

>>> 

Richard Horpe was _laughing_. It was a strange sound, Justin thought. “You mean to say that crime has gone down because of a _statue of Stannis_?”

Justin shrugged. “The data clearly says that crime on that street has gone down ever since we started building that statue. It _has_ to be related.”

“You mean to say that our beloved king’s steely-eyed visage and grim expression looking out upon the street casts fear into the hearts of the unjust and calms the unruly passions of the people?”

“I never knew you were a poet, Horpe.”

“Shut it, Massey. Well, the obvious thing to do is build a statue of Stannis on every hill of King’s Landing. I’ll start hiring anybody we find without employ.”

>>> 

_Some time later, in a dark tavern in Flea Bottom:_

The provocateur called Ednassim was very frustrated. Why couldn’t these Westerosi understand that they should rise up in support of Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men and the Rhoynar, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons? Why couldn’t they understand that their lives would be so much better if the wheel was broken?

“But apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... WHAT HAVE THE BARATHEONS EVER DONE FOR US?”

>>>

And here's the Monty Python sketch responsible for this.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7tvauOJMHo>


End file.
